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I seem to do that. I don't like boys often, but when I do, I like them a freakish amount. It happened with Alvaro and then Aaron. I refuse to do that to myself again, and I think I've grown up enough now that I won't. We'll have to see when the next one comes along.
Speaking of Alvaro, he emailed me today. It wasn't even technically his turn to email, but he did. He said he had told his friends that I was coming back to Spain, and that he was excited because life is always more interesting with me around.
There's a lot to figure out, and this all seems very surreal. Like a dream I had given up on, and now it's suddenly in my face.
It's still a bit of a wait though. The program doesn't start until September and I'd like to make money until then. I have to figure everything out, but I see myself driving back to Colorado with my stuff mid-August (depending on what Keri wants to do with the apartment.)
Lauren's really sad and I'm trying not to let it drag me down. I think it already has. But this will be fun. It will be great!
- Mood:
excited
Today, I did not feel great at work. Not physically....emotionally. Yesterday there was this horrible snow storm so Keri and I worked from home, which stressed me out because I thought my boss hated me and which put me behind on some things.
So I'm doing a million things at once and I'm so stressed. I'm getting the feeling that I'm not going to get my title change. First, they are giving me all the horrible "office bitch" duties that they give to people with my current title. Second, my boss mentioned today that I won't be moving into a different market as we had discussed previously.
And, it makes me so frustrated. Like, I'm over it. I can't do it anymore. I'm not going to slave away and sell my soul for the company if the company won't even compromise with me.
Ok, so I don't know yet that they're going to say no, but either way, I am sick of work.
Right now I am totally living to work instead of working to live, and on my salary that is pretty fucking depressing. For a while, it was entertaining to impress everyone and do a good job. But after the fun of that has worn off, where am I? I'm still practically the secretary even though they have me doing high level work.
First of all, I am smart, and I should be living comfortably. I just should. I understand the economy sucks right now, but I think I had lulled myself into believing that since I had no experience before and was willing to take any job I could get, that I was going to be like that forever. Guess what? I've proven myself and I have a lot of experience, I know what I'm capable of and I know what I deserve.
I almost hope they do say no. I almost hope I get to use my arguments with them. And I'm ready to accept the challenge of what comes after they say no. Clearly I will need to leave as soon as possible. So how will I do it? Will I bide my time and search for another job? Will I dramatically walk out? Will I call my parents and move back home?
No. I don't think I'm a quitter. Today I was feeling like everything was hopeless. I had a good cry on the drive home and by the time I was ready for soccer, I felt better. Like I'm going to overcome this and figure it out.
I've spent too much time feeling "lost". It's time to find a direction and head in it. Is it grad school? I think so.
Here is what I've found out in the last year:
I HATE OFFICE JOBS.
I need to find something else to do. Suggestions please.
I think, lately, I've been letting myself down. When I'm not at work or with friends, I've been just watching TV. So much TV it's ridiculous. I need to limit myself. I need to study. I need to read and write book reviews and be the awesome girl we all know I can be without turning off my brain in my free time.
Please remind me of this. I need someone to.
I can do it! I'm the girl who conquered Spain and discovered that anything is possible. I deserve it all.
- Mood:
sore
1. I miss you guys when I get too busy at work to read about your lives.
2. I am tired, as usual. But I'm going to go out and have a good time tonight.
3. I am so grateful for the following:
- Going bowling at the same place I did a year ago with Sarah's friends, but this time with MY good friends.
- Seeing the sunset over the ocean on the way home from work. It represents so much...spring coming, living on the coast, New England towns, etc. etc.
- Being busy at work. It makes me feel valued.
- Being able to spend tomorrow having a fun day with Lauren.
- Not feeling heartbroken. I feel like for a long time, I felt really sad about boys. And now, I just feel good. I'm not wishing to be with one, or secretly feeling really sad when someone mentions something that reminds me of anyone. It's great, and I feel really lucky to be this way.
Ok, Lauren's going to kill me if I'm late. Love you guys!!!!
- Mood:
grateful
There are certainly other things that will follow him, and us as Americans, forever. However, I think he had to be THAT BAD to give us the motivation, and the votes, to try something new.
- Mood: excited
Judging by his concession speech, I will say that John McCain does seem like an honest, decent fellow. I differ with him on policy, which is why I did not vote for him. But, when he asked the country to come together, when he shushed those of his supporters who continued to boo Obama, when he offered to help him and called him, "My President" I gained a new found respect for McCain. His rage and robot-like-ness had vanished and he suddenly became, human.
Obama's speech was good, too. I respect him so much for immediately calling us into action. To me, it shows he wasn't just in it for the victory, he really wants to lead us.
I went on and on to JC about how great this is for our country, and I'm not talking economically. I'm talking morally.
I'm never like this. This is amazing.
- Mood:
hopeful
Today I woke up 7 minutes earlier than usual. I got ready as fast as I could, skipped my usual breakfast with the Today show and went to vote. This is only the second presidential election I've been old enough to vote in. Last election, in a nice suburb in Colorado, I voted early with my mom on an electronic ballot. Today, in one of the worst towns in Massachusetts, I voted before work on election day down the street from my apartment. I didn't have to show ID, I voted on a paper ballot by connecting arrows. Then I put my ballot through a machine which made beeping sounds. I didn't get a sticker. I left wondering whether my vote would actually be counted (seriously, how do we KNOW our votes are counted?)
They didn't give me a sticker. I was now early for work, done voting by 7:30 when I usually leave for work at 7:50. The sun was shining, a fog was lifting. The leaves were raining on my car and the trees were almost bare.
I feel good about voting. I feel excited for this election. A lot of people don't vote because they think their vote won't count or isn't important. Or they think the political system is so fucked up that they can't change anything. Let me tell you something, I will be the one that votes when you don't. I will be the one that can make small changes which may lead to bigger changes. I will do whatever I can to better our country. (Wow, I'm usually not this sappy.)
Work politics are getting out of control. It's so much easier to see now that I have good friends here outside of work. The people here are all friends with each other and they get sucked into a little vacuum, thinking this is all that matters and this is what's important. I feel disheartened because I suddenly don't enjoy my job as much. I feel like it's too early to look for another job, and that my chances of finding a job will be better if I wait it out until I get a promotion. I also feel like I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I've enjoyed having a job that has to do with writing, and editing, and marketing. But, the level of professionalism that has been illustrated by my boss lately makes me want to get out of here as quickly as possible. Also, the bad pay and long commute don't make things easier.
I suppose there's no harm in updating my resume. And sending it around a little.
I would love to get a job closer to the city and move to Somerville. I would love that.
But throw grad school into the mix, and I feel all confused again.
- Mood:
accomplished
-Last night I had a dream that there was an air freshener that made your house smell like the ocean. I think it's because at times when I feel lost, or hopeless, or why am I all the way out here, I smell the ocean and I feel at peace.
-"And the hardest part, was letting go, not taking part. That was the hardest part."
Things that are in my best interest to do, but that I don't do in favor of sitting at home watching House and cruising Craigslist:
-Studying for the GRE
-Reading
-Writing, both for myself and trying to freelance to make some extra money
-Exercising
-Networking
-Undead Journal makes me laugh
- Mood:
contemplative
But, anyway, here I am now. I'm too hungry to work and I'm waiting on some girls to go out to lunch.
First order of business: While I was doing my hair this morning, I found a grey one. Ahhhhh! I was freaked out. But JC told me that you can get one, and then not get another one for years. So, I no longer feel death breathing on my neck.
Speaking of JC, someone posted a comment on his review site saying they thought my review was the best one! That made me feel good (and it wasn't even anyone I knew!)
But, my 25th birthday is next week. I'm going out with some girls from work, my roommate Keri, and possibly some others this weekend. Keri knows a guy she thinks I'll like, so I told her to email him and let him see my Facebook page and see if he thinks we'd be compatible. He might try to meet up with us this weekend. I wasn't very excited about it until I found out he was Jewish. I don't know why. I totally have a thing for Jewish guys...???
I got invited to THREE parties to watch the presidential debate. I'm not sure if politics is more popular here, or if it's just my age group, but I never knew people were doing this. I've decided to go to book club girls' house to watch because I really like this one girl Kristen. Lady I look up to (Laura) also invited me to go watch with her and some friends at a bar, but I wanted to be around people my own age. And, they asked me first. Does anyone know the final ruling on the debate? If it gets cancelled, then my social life goes out the window!
Soccer on Tuesday was brutal. I'm really not very good. I like the team, though, and hope I'll get better. We have another game tonight, then I might play on Sunday (maybe a mistake since I'll probably be hungover??) and then we have another game Tuesday (my birthday) at 9:35! Ahhh! So late.
Back to work now.
- Mood:
mellow
Fall is coming. I slept with my window open last night and it's the first time I've woken up wanting more covers in a looooooooong time. Outside, the air had the smell of new beginnings: the smell of going back to school. I find it bittersweet. On one hand, fall is great because people come from all over to see the leaves change colors on the New England trees, and Halloween is sure to be a blast near Salem, MA. But, it means that my love affair with the ocean must come to a close, at least for now. Which reminds me of my blog. I haven't debuted it yet because I'm still going to write a good post about women role models, but if you guys would like to get a jump on it, feel free: here. You can vote in my poll to help me get ideas for the debut post. (But, I understand that you already read a bunch of my writing anyway, so I won't be offended if you don't visit the blog).
ANYWAY, I feel much happier lately. Something was wrong with me last week and over the weekend. I was in a complete downer funk. Seriously. But, now, I'm not incredibly happy but I'm fine. I'm fine how I am. I'd like more friends, but that is a process. And, I feel OK without a boy. It's weird. Like I think this is the most content I've been with being single in years. It seems like I've always been looking for a boyfriend. But at this point, I feel like it's either a lot of drama or a lot of unnecessary hassle. And I seriously feel ok with being this way for a while. It's great.
My birthday is coming up at the end of September and if anyone is looking for a gift for me, I have a great idea:
It's a house that I see every day on my way to work in Swampscott, MA. When I saw it was for sale, I got really excited. It's only 2 million dollars. It has ocean views! 7 bedrooms and 7 baths! You know you want to buy it for me. 130 Atlantic Dr., Swampscott. That's a great address. I'd like that to be mine.
- Mood:
good
Today was a good day.
First thing at work (or, a half hour late when guy who sits next to me, or JC as I'll call him rolled in) JC knocked on my cube and told me that he liked the review that I wrote. He had cornered me in front of my computer, and for some reason I felt incredibly embarrassed. I felt myself turning bright red and sweating! He told me certain parts that he liked and I laughed about how I had come up with them. It was so weird. I could barely look at him! Then he said that I must be pretty happy with myself for writing a "strong" piece. I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not, but either way I said, "Oh, yes, it's a dream come true." He said, "I can tell that you're glowing." Now...do you think I really looked like I was glowing (I felt like I was) or do you think he was just kidding? I hope he was just kidding. I think he was.
My boss seems to be treating me normally again. Things seem back to normal at work. Although my attention span wasn't great today, I was on top of things more than usual and mentally alert. I took a multi-vitamin this morning. Coincidence? I also went for a run and cooked my roommate and myself dinner. Now I'm just waiting for The Hills to come on (guilty pleasure).
But right now I'd like to talk about some dreams I had last night. They epitomize my family. I just don't know what triggered them. And, I can't remember them exactly. I just know that there was some big holiday...I think Christmas. My whole family and extended family was there and we were all sitting around eating dinner. My sister had brought a guy there and he seemed cute and nice. I was in charge of something, but I didn't do it well, or I didn't do it the way everyone liked it or something. My sister and the guy she brought were sitting right across the table from me talking about me. I didn't even know him and my sister insisted on making fun of me to him. It made me feel angry and hurt so I started crying. Everyone else in the family just stared at me. I then felt embarrassed for letting her get to me, so I said, "I'm leaving." I got up to get my stuff, and no one tried to stop me. They all just watched like it was my fault in the first place and I was overreacting as usual. I was crying so hard in my dream that I woke up. Then, I fell back asleep and had another similar dream, where I cried again.
If this was an unrealistic dream based on nothing, then I could dismiss it as that. But, my sister does like to embarrass me in front of people as often as possible. If you look at my entry from Thanksgiving last year, you'll notice that she insulted my cooking, and when that offended me, my mom stood up for her. Ugh. Family. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so far away from them, but sometimes I feel like I could never be myself if I wasn't.
- Mood: excited
Anyway, yesterday I went to Portland, Maine with my friend Cameran. It was really pretty and European and kind of like Boulder. It made me want to live there. Cameran and I did a lot of talking, mostly about work. Unfortunately, it turns out that I've been living in happy ignorance of the office politics going on. Most of it involves my roommate's new boyfriend, and I don't think that he's a very good person.
Mike seemed like an OK guy when I first met him. My boss (who is funny and seems like someone with good intentions) really likes him, as does her boss (who I don't know that well). He gave me some relationship advice when I first stated and tried to hook my roommate up with one of his friends. At this point, Mike had been living with his girlfriend for about two years and he had been with her for five. He told me some things about their relationship that made me slightly depressed about life. Like when he talked about how their relationship was more like a 'hey buddy how's it going' kind of thing and how he would eventually marry her, but equated it with one of the phases of life that lead to eventual death.
Well, it turns out that all this time he liked my roommate. He began to hit on her shortly after that and made sure that she would date him before he broke up with his girlfriend. He broke up with her on a Friday (my roommate and I were camping) and when we got back on Sunday, they hooked up.
Now, they're dating regularly which means I see him outside of work more than I would like. He also just got a promotion so he is in charge of some of the things I do. He doesn't have nice things to say about the people we work with. Two girls that I really like at work, Cameran, and Lindsey, he talks crap about. He says that Lindsey has awful communication skills and lacks confidence. I think Lindsey is sweet and really smart. He thinks she doesn't work hard and isn't good at her job. I stood up for her when he talked about her like that, but he couldn't be swayed. He told me that Cameran was crazy.
I didn't like Cameran that much at first because she seemed slightly fake. Then she offered to help me paint my bedroom, but then just never showed which made me think she was a flake. Then I got to know her, and I really think she's a good person. She's not perfect, but no one is. Mike told me that he thinks she's crazy because she suffers from depression and takes medication. Cameran told me that herself yesterday, and as someone who suffered from PTSD, I do not think that managing depression makes someone crazy!
The thing is that Mike is well-liked by all of our superiors, as I already mentioned. He can do no wrong in their eyes and just got a promotion, as I already mentioned again. The problem is that (and I don't know all the details) but supposedly he tells our bosses these things about Lindsey and Cameran. Cameran was pretty much promised that she would get a mid-year promotion this summer, but she didn't, and Mike did, for the second time. Also, Lindsey is running into problems with her career, supposedly because of him, and is now looking for a new job.
Cameran told me that the reason she told Mike she was taking medication is because they used to be good friends and she thought she could confide in him. He told me that she's not a good writer and that she's crazy and told the same to Keri, my roommate.
The thing about Keri is that she believes him when he says these things! Why is he out to get everyone? Why is it that the superiors don't see this?
I hope he's treating Keri nicely, she seems really happy (although I hardly see her anymore). But I know he criticizes her grammar and her cooking. But, I guess that's not my business. It doesn't seem to bother her how quickly he was able to dump his ex-girlfriend and move on, but I think that's because she thinks that she's special. Sometimes she says things to me, and they are words that I know came straight from Mike's mouth. I occasionally worry that she's just putty in his hands. But why do I worry? She's fine.
I don't know what to do about this. I guess I just have to worry about myself, do the best work I can, and try to play the game a little. I'll have to be sure to stay on Mike's good side, no matter how immensely I am beginning to dislike him. I'm going to make a conscious effort to step out of the gossip mill (I've been bad about that lately) and to charm my way into the good graces of the bosses, just like he has (although I'm not good at being fake).
I just don't get how people who are so horrible get so far in life. Does he seem horrible, or am I making a big deal out of nothing?
- Mood:
aggravated
I got out to my car this morning, only to find the contents of my glove box sitting on my front seat. It took me a while to process what had happened, but then I realized that I must have left my doors unlocked yesterday after unloading groceries, and that gave someone the green light to go into my car and shuffle through its contents.
Ironically, I had a dream to this effect last week. I dreamed that I had left my doors unlocked, but that my purse was also inside. So whoever broke in stole pretty much everything. In this case, however, I don’t think he or she took anything. I didn’t have much to take in there. The most valuable thing, in my mind, is my FM Adapter for my iPod (it cost me about $100). Either this person had no use for it, or didn’t know what it was because they left it on my seat. I think they were looking for money. Everything was open, including the trunk. I’m just lucky that they shut all the doors and didn’t leave any of the lights on, otherwise I would have had a hell of a time getting my car to work (especially since my jumper cables seem to have disappeared in the course of my move).
So, it was a disturbing, yet relieving way to start the day...if that makes sense.
I need to make new friends. Girl friends. Girl friends who are fun yet grown-ups. Anyone have any ideas? I tried with kickball, but ended up with girls that aren’t really my type (except maybe one, but she is moving to Cali in the fall). I tried Craigslist, but the weird thing about Boston is that the only people on there, it seems, are FREAKS. Maybe it’s like that most places, but not in Boulder.
Anyway, another thing I need opinions on is Facebook. Lately, I’ve been having a desire to get rid of Facebook. I no longer feel the need to advertise my life on there. I’m connected to a bunch of people from high school that I don’t want to think about anymore, and some people from college that I never even really talked to. It gives me a headache. I don't like the pressure to update my picture (and haven't in...oh...a year!) or to read people's status, or to worry about who Aaron is friends with and who has written on his wall, etc.
On the other hand, it is a great way to keep in touch with people, especially since I have so many friends spread all over the country (and world). Like, today, this guy from Madrid wrote on my wall that I would have completely lost touch with otherwise. But, I feel over Facebook and ready to move on with my life. Suggestions?
I’m also feeling very OVER work right now. It’s not that I have anything better to do…in fact, I spent the whole weekend incredibly bored, but I’m bored here too!
I need some friends.
Oh yeah, by the way, I got sent the best Web site ever by one of my co-workers: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com
And it was keeping me thoroughly entertained on Friday, and I thought that John (guy who sits next to me who flirts with me but has a girlfriend) would like it too since we have similar tastes (I think). So I told him that I was going to send it to him, and I was looking him up in the company email directory, he said,
"Wait, before you do that, send it to this one" (hands me his personal business card) "I use this one a lot more."
On it is a Web site, his email address, and a phone number? At first I thought it was odd, but now I think he's trying to get me to go to the Web site (which I can't do right now because he could walk by at any minute and see me on there, and then I would be mortified beyond belief). He's just trying to show off.
- Mood:
So incredibly bored
Guy next to me started flirting with me, but then finally mentioned his girlfriend to me today. No problem, I like talking to him anyway. Maybe he has some cute friends?
The book I'm reading really made me realize something. I'm bad at explaining it without sounding cheesy, but I suddenly realized that all my life I've been waiting for something to happen. I chalked everything up to experience when bad things happened, I laid low and waited some things out, and I always pictured myself as getting ready for something, or waiting for something to come and save me. What I realized is this: THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. I'M LIVING IT. I don't need experience for life, life is now. I can't wait for anything, because who knows if it will come? The key to happiness is being happy right now!
I'll probably go more into depth on that later.
But, as part of that, I've decided to go swimming in the ocean after work when it's hot. I can't wait for the weekends and then pray that the weather is nice, often I don't have the time to go. I have to go on nice days after work! And I have to go by myself, I can't wait around for anyone to come with me...I love the ocean and I'm going to take advantage of it while it's still summer and I can. I went yesterday and I'm going today!
I took this "Attachment test" and tried to post it here (to no avail) and it called me the waffler saying I'm really indecisive and go back and forth between having really high and really low self esteem and that's why I've only had mediocre relationships (if you could say I've even had a relationship!) So, it didn't tell me how to fix it, but I think I need to take more risks. Gotta run to the meeting now, more later.
Much love to all of you guys!
- Mood:
cheerful
So, I used to keep a public blog on MySpace and it was awesome and everyone read it and then I started sucking at blogging. I actually wrote one this weekend, though, and figured I would post it on here as well!
- Mood: grateful
A man evidently decided to sell his life on eBay. He sold his house, car, jet ski, motorbike, furniture, etc. etc. His house was valued at about AUD$400,000 but he only got about AUD$320,000 for all of it. Sad.
But, admirable that he's willing to start all over.
Not much to say, just some random thoughts:
First, thanks to everyone for your comments during my latest depressive mood. I'm feeling much better and I've decided that, since I'm sure I don't want to be working a 9-5 job for the rest of my life, my focus should be on figuring out how to survive and be happy without one. It could take years of planning, but I shouldn't put it off.
Next, today one of the writer's block questions was "Who do you care about most in the world?" and my immediate answer was, "Myself." Is that sad? Is that selfish? I've noticed that I seem to cut people out a lot, burn bridges with them, and just figure that I'll meet new people. That's probably a lot of the reason why I had to move across the country, and why I always think that moving from one place to another will make me happy. I need to find friends and keep them. I need to form some genuine relationships. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and all, but I feel distant from them. There are other people I care about, but I'm not extremely close with ANYONE. Oh my gosh! How is this possible? And how did I not notice this until now? This has gotta change. It's possible that I'm a lot more selfish and/or judgemental than I realize!
Also, on a much lighter note, remember the guy that I had a crush on at work? Well after some investigative research/stalking I found out he lives with his girlfriend. I haven't talked to him since but I think I'll try to start a conversation with him today (I still find him interesting, and I've mentally checked out from work for the long weekend).
So, disappointing, but no big deal.
I really think that things are going to work out. I just hope it happens soon.
- Mood: bored
That's all for now, maybe more later. But those are my favorites so far....I'm not buying some of the other stuff in the book.
- Mood: content
Also, remember how my roommate is dating this guy we work with (who is sorta her boss)? Well, a few people at work know, but not all of them. Not our main bosses and not a couple of girls in our group that are friends with Keri and me. Well, one of the girls pretty much figured it out when we were all out for drinks the other day. So, I assumed that girl would tell another girl so I kind of told her, too. I feel bad because I've been such a good secret keeper, but so many other people know and they're going to tell everyone like next week anyway. I think I was just desperate to talk to someone about it! But, now it's out there and it's good.
I had my three month review at work yesterday. It went well. Really, really well. She basically just told me that I'm doing a really great job and that she sees a lot of herself in me. It scares me. I really am only doing a mediocre job. I mean, look at me now. I do this all day!! I probably do about 2 hours of work. I need to work harder. I'm scared because I feel like it can only go downhill from here. I know I shouldn't think that way. If I just work harder and stop LiveJournaling I think it will be fine.
The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.
I have two comments about this: a) Who decides that these are the top 100 books? and b) I can't take credit for reading these on my own...many were forced upon me in school.
- Mood: content
So, things with Mark took a turn and it looks like I’ll no longer have to worry about trying to avoid having sex with him.
Things were going well. He emailed me first thing Monday morning asking if I wanted him to burn the new Coldplay album for me and saying that he’d had a really good time with me on Sunday. That was cute. We emailed throughout the day and things were fine. Tuesday morning he emailed me first thing again and it said:
Mark: “Are you proud of me for waiting until the end of the movie?”
Me: “Yes, I am. Very mature move :).”
Mark: “It was really hard. I had a chub basically the whole time.”
Me: [What are you supposed to say to that?] “Awww. How romantic.”
Mark: “Yeah the cats were hidin it”
Me: “That’s probably something you should just keep to yourself next time.”
Mark: “Just messin around. Srry.”
Me: “No need to say sorry, just you were being really cute until then. You can tell because I only use smiley faces in extreme circumstances.”
Mark: Some weird responses in Spanish (he thinks he can speak Spanish but can’t) and now we aren’t emailing anymore.
I was telling this story in the lunchroom at work and about 15 people chimed in saying that I should just get rid of him because that’s a sign of immaturity. And, they’re right. There had been other signs too, so, I guess that’s pretty much it for us.
Back to the drawing board.
The book I’m reading is talking about being happy no matter what happens. Maybe I’ll post some quotes from the actual book later, but it basically says that many people live their lives depending on what happens to be happy. They resist when something they don’t want to happen happens and the resistance is what makes them unhappy. The book says to accept what happens, be it what you want or what you don’t want, just surrender to it, and do the best you can do with it. It says don’t live for the past or the future, but live your life in this moment right now, because that’s the way life happens. It happens right now. Reading this, now, is your life and the only way you’ll live your life is in small moments like these. So, make friends with this moment. Be friendly to it, decide that it is what it is, make the most of it, and that’s it.
I’m still reading and figuring out my thoughts on this matter (there’s obviously a lot more to it than I’m saying now) but I’m thinking about what this means for me and Aaron, and I think it’s helping me. I feel ok if things don’t work out, but then I get scared and think that I won’t always feel this way, but then I think that all I have to do is take it little moments at a time. I just have to be friends with this moment, and when I’m in the next moment I just have to be friends with that one and I’ll be ok. I’ll be ok by myself in every moment.
Make sense? I’ll post book excerpts later and maybe it will make more sense.
- Mood: complacent
Work is busy...slightly stressful. It sucks that in journalism you're often relying on other people to get back to you. The past two months in a row I've had someone I thought I could rely on fall through at the last minute. I tried to ensure that wouldn't happen this time, but it might again! I don't know what I'll do...maybe just quit. Just kidding.
Mark, the guy I went on a date with on Sunday, emailed me. He wants to do the same thing that we tried to do last Sunday, this Sunday. Which means our date will be during the day again. I mean, I guess that's ok. I don't know. I guess it sounds stupid to say that I would prefer to go out at night because it feels weird to drink and kiss someone during the day.
**UPDATE** Right as I was writing that last sentence, Aaron responded to my email. He wrote more than I did in my email to him, but still not too much. He told me about how things are in NY, made some jokes, mentioned that the Jonas Brothers puppets that I made him are with him in NY. He said that his job is keeping him very busy but he'll call this weekend. I don't know how I feel about that. God, I miss him.
I was going to write about how I still feel optimistic today. Now, I'm a little thrown. I joined the company Weight Watchers program. Unfortunately, it doesn't start until mid-July and I need to start losing pounds NOW!! I want to look good for the end of July when I go to Cape Cod with Dara and Kit and for August when my family comes to visit and for September when Aaron's back. The thing about the company Weight Watchers program is that now everyone in the company will know that I want to lose weight. I prefer other people to think that I don't notice my flaws...it makes me hope that they won't, either.
Oh well. At least it will force me to go. It didn't go very well for me last fall when I tried it. Maybe it will be better this time.
I feel weird now. And my peanut butter and jelly sandwich suddenly feels like a rock in my stomach.
Have to concentrate on work.
- Mood: confused
